Criminals
by AngryBandit59
Summary: Jake never gave up his life of crime, and with the murder of he and Finn's parents, their lifes become a downward spiral of drugs, sex, and violence... how will Ooo survive? And will Finn and Jake ever fulfill their destinies of heroism?
1. Crooked

**OK, so my first story was about if Jake never gave up his life of bike stealing, and Finn got caught up in that with him. It sucked. I'm re-writing it with the same concept, but this time, I've improved greatly, and it'll be awesome.**

* * *

Due to the Candy Kingdom's outstandingly well-behaved children, Princess Bubblegum made sure to personally talk to any minors who've committed a crime.

This case was especially interesting, however. For it involved a boy whose kind she had previously thought extinct.

A human boy, about 7, Finn was his name. He sat next to a yellow bulldog, Jake, apparently his adoptive brother. The two were caught trying to steal bikes.

Princess Bubblegum placed her hands on her desk, leaning over, and spoke to them in a soft, motherly voice, "Boys... that was a bad thing you did."

Finn folded his arms, looking away. Jake did the same.

Princess Bubblegum poked her lip out, trying to think of a question surrounding the human's origins, "So, Finn, was it? You're a human, aren't you?"

Finn turned towards her, "Yeah, I'm human... so?"

PB put her hands together, smiling brightly, "That's great! So, do you know any more humans...?"

"Nope." said Finn bluntly, propping his feet up on her desk. Bonnibel grunted, appalled by the human's rude behavior.

Bonnibel shoved her finger in the boy's face, "Listen, you! I'll have your butt thrown in a juvenile detention center faster then you can say..."

Her sentence was interrupted when she felt a small, yet powerful, fist implant itself into her stomach. Finn had sprung up in his chair, punching Bonnie in the gut.

She pulled back, sitting up from her chair, her face red in rage. A child that age shouldn't have been able to hit that hard... he must have been a mutant of some sort. That's what Bonnibel would have thought, is she wasn't blinded by rage.

"BANNA GUARDS!" she screamed at the top of her lungs, the guards bursting into the room a second later.

Finn smirked, hopping onto the table. Jake jumped onto his back, and the human sprung at Bubblegum, kicking her in the face, breaking her nose. He used her face as a platform, jumping off it and out a nearby window.

One banana guard rushed over to his ruler to help her to her feet, while the other rushed over to the shattered window, thinking the boys who had just jumped out of it splattered from the high drop.

However, he saw that the dog had turned into a parachute, and Finn hung under him. Finn looked up, giggling along with Jake and flipping the guard the bird.

The banana looked back at his partner, who was popping Bonnie's nose back into place, getting her pinkish blood onto his hand.

As soon as it was fixed, Bonnibel sprung up, rushing pass her guard and to the window, looking down and shaking her fist at the two boys below, "I'M GOING TO MAKE YOU PAY FOR THAT, YOU LITTLE BASTARDS!"

Finn flipped her off as well, "HOW, BY STICKING YOURSELF INTO OUR HAIR?!"

Jake laughed loudly, before getting on all fours and growing larger, his brother hopping onto his back.

"Later, Bubblebutt!" they called out in unison, Jake running off through the town. Bubblegum spun around, seething with rage, "I WANT THOSE TWO BACK IN MY OFFICE, NOW!"

The Banana Guards nodded, running out of her office. Bubblegum calmed down, looking towards her backside.

'_It's not that big...'_ she though bitterly to herself, walking back to her lab.

* * *

Finn and Jake walked through the moon-lit forest, on their way back to their home.

Finn had his hands stuffed into his pockets, protecting them from the bite of the chill night air, "Man... Mom and Dad are gunna kill us!"

Jake huffed, "I know, right? It wouldn't have escalated that high if she just let the _authorities_ handle it like they're suppose to! But _nnnnoooooo_! The goddess Bubblegum has to micro-manage ever single thing that goes on her 'perfect' little kingdom. I mean, it was just a Glob-damned bike! Did we really need to be talked to by the prin-"

Jake never finished, before they walked up to their house, the door kicked in.

"MOM! DAD!" they cried almost simultaneously, rushing into their home. Inside, their was clear indication of a struggle. The tables and chairs were overturned, vases and plates broken, and all valuables stolen.

Finn looked through the kitchen for any sign of his parents, when he heard Jake scream loudly. He rushed into their parent's room, and screamed along with his brother.

Their parents mangled bodies lay in a pile, Joshua impaled by his own demon-blood sword. Tears streamed from both of their eyes, but Finn still managed to make something out on the opposite wall. It was a symbol of three interlocked rings, smeared into the wall in blood.

The symbol of the Destiny Gang, who Jake and Finn had stolen from a few nights prior. Tears streamed from his eyes as Finn stumbled over to his father, pulling the sword from his body.

"Jake..." Finn said, his voice hoarse and full of hate.

"Yeah, Finn?"

Finn turned, clutching the blood-sword and shaking in rage, "Let's kill those bastards..."

* * *

**If anyone has any gripes about the Destiny Gang existing in Ooo, don't worry. They'll be mutants. And they'll die.**


	2. Off the Hinges

Jake and Finn were crouched at the door to the Destiny Gang's base. Finn peaked into a nearby window, growling in anger.

There, Big Destiny, their egocentric leader, sat at a table. He was a red-skinned mutant with a carrot-orange mullet. He had four arms, each one skilled at wielding a sword. His fashion choices were horrendous, the gang leader proudly flaunting his torn up robe, green briefs, and magenta shades.

To his sides were his lackeys, Tromo and Trami. Tromo was a blue, long-harried man who wore a thick, brown vest, torn green, striped pants, and leather boots. He had a golden sword strapped around his back. Trami was a pink, gum person with a ridiculous hair-do who held a sledge hammer in his right hand. At the foot of the table sat two goons who Finn and Jake hadn't even learned the names of.

Finn looked over at Jake. Both boys were equipped with a multitude of deadly items that anybody their ages shouldn't even be touching. Finn had his father's sword, a combat knife that he tucked into his boot, while Jake carried around some bleach and a lighter, intending to burn the gangsters alive.

Finn nodded at his brother, "Ready?"

Jake nodded back, and with that, the brothers burst through the window, quickly rolling to their feet.

The two thugs at the end of the table burst up, only for Jake to throw the bleach at them, splashing the noxious liquid all over. He then tossed the lighter in, igniting the two crooks and creating a blaze between Finn and Jake and Big Destiny and his lackeys.

Finn jumped onto Jake's back, the bulldog stretching over the blaze. Finn landed on his feet, pointing the his sword at Big Destiny, "You... you murdered our parents..."

Big Destiny laughed, folding all of his four arms, "-and you stole a whole grand from Big Destiny. Fair is fair, little man." said the gangster over the dying screams of his burning henchman.

Finn screamed in rage, rushing at Big D. The mutant drew four similar looking swords, blocking the human's thrust by crossing them all together.

Finn screamed in rage, slashing his sword wildly. Due to Finn's superior speed and mad rage, the red head had trouble blocking the young human's wild slashes.

"DIE! DIE, YOU BASTARD!" screamed Finn, managing to slip a slice through Big Destiny's defenses, chopping off his bottom-right arm.

Big D screamed in pain, doubling back. Finn rushed at him again, only for the tall man to step to the side and elbow the top of his head, then kicking him to the side.

Finn quickly rolled to his feet, only for the huge man to sheath one of his swords and grab the human by the throat, lifting up into the air, squeezing the life out of him.

Big D smirked, "Any last words, son?"

Finn reached into his boot, pulling out the combat knife. Before Big Destiny had a chance to react, Finn plunged the knife into his throat, causing Big D to fall to the ground, gasping.

Finn spit on his surprised face, "See you in hell, asshole."

The young human then looked over to his brother's fight. Jake had already smashed Tromo's skull in, and was weaving out of the way of Trami's hammer swings.

"YOU KILLED HIM, YOU FURRY LUNATIC!" he screamed, swinging his blunt weapon around wildly.

Jake simply grunted, leg sweeping the pink man, before picking him up and heaving him into the blaze he started.

Trami screamed in white-hot agony, the gum melting off his skin, exposing his candy skeleton, before he fell over, dead.

Finn and Jake smirked triumphantly at each other. They had avenged their parents. But... looking around at the dead bodies, the gravity of the whole situation hit the human like a ton of bricks.

"Holy shit..." Finn breathed out, his eyes as big as a deer's in headlights, "we just murdered 5 people..."

Jake grunted, "Of course we did, Finn! They killed mom and dad, remember?!"

Finn grabbed Jake by the shoulders, "You don't get it, do you Jake?! Do you think the cops will care who started it?! This isn't stealing bikes, or nabbing someone's wallet! WE KILLED 5 PEOPLE! The fuzz will lock us away for good!"

Jake slapped his brother across the face, calming him down somewhat, "Look Finn... we'll just have to go on the run..."

Finn gulped, "You... you mean..."

Jake nodded, "Yeah. We're now wanted men."

Finn grabbed the sides of his head, "Man, this is fucked up! I just wanted to steal bikes and candy bars, then get a nice job as a mercenary or somthin'! I don't wanna be a crook the rest of my life!"

"Don't worry bro," said Jake, pulling him in for a hug, "we have each other. Home is where the heart is, right?"


	3. A New Life

Finn and Jake stood in front of the rest of their gang, Tiffany, The Flying Lettuce Brothers, and Gareth, solemnly, their backpacks hanging off their shoulders.

Gareth sighed, "Guys... we understand. But this is a big deal, man. You murdered the Destiny Gang. The cops are gonna be after you, soon."

Jake nodded, "I know, I know... we just need that grand we stole from Big Destiny. Come on, guys... our parents are dead because of that money, the least you could do you give it to us to help us!"

Tiffany nodded, pulling out a satchel of gold coins, handing them to Jake. The small blue teen then placed his hand on Jake's shoulder, "You and your little bro be careful, alright pal?"

Jake nodded, "Yeah, I will, Tiffany. Thanks."

Tiffany gave Finn a fist bump before walking over to the corner of the room, not wanting to show any emotion. The FLBs gave Finn and Jake their portions of the loot, "Here, guys. Hope it helps, and good luck."

Gareth walked up last, handing his bag to Finn before rustling his hair, "Be careful, kiddo. Its been fun."

Finn smiled, "Thanks, Gareth. We'll spend it wisely, we promise."

Gareth smiled back, and with the goodbyes out of the way, Finn and Jake left the hideout and proceeded into the their new life's...

**-3 Years Later-**

A 10 year old Finn and his brother kicked down the door to the small, pink house they had found in the cavern, and strode in.

Finn tossed his bag onto the dusty couch, before wiping the dust off and siting down himself, only to shift around uncomfortably, "Dude... this couch is hard as hell..."

Jake grunted, sitting his bags down, "Don't worry, we'll get a new one... man, this place is perfect! Must have belonged to a fellow crook, eh?"

Finn smiled, "Yeah, I guess. Either that, or someone who doesn't like the sun."

**-2 Years Later-**

Finn accepted the coca from the strange, old blue man in a robe and ruby-studded crown, sipping it down. Finn looked up at the old man, who was giggling excitedly.

Finn smiled, "Thanks, dude... I would have died out there in the cold if you hadn't found me... damn coppers chased me out here."

The old man with a crown laughed, "You're welcome! What's your name?"

Finn smiled, "It's Finn."

The blue man smiled, "Mine's Ice King."

Finn raised an eyebrow, taking another sip from his warm drink, "Hey, aren't you that guy who kidnaps princesses?"

Ice King nodded his head. Finn stirred his drink a bit, looking down at his reflection, "Well, old-timer... princesses both hate our guts... something we have in common, I suppose."

Ice King sat down next to Finn, "So... you wanna stay the night? I've got warm blankets."

Finn laughed, "Thanks, IK. You're no stick-in-the-mud, not like that Flame King dude... crazy bastard tried to make me date his mental daughter. No thank you!"

Ice King laughed, patting his new friend on the back.

-** 4 Years Later-**

A young man strode into a candy convenience store. He wore a wolf hat that rested atop his blond locks, a black leather jacket, navy-blue shirt, fingerless gloves, combat boots with steal-tipped toes, and torn black jeans.

He had one hand tucked into his jacket, and was using the other to causally spin around his crimson, cross-designed sword, browsing the wide selection of candy bars.

A chocolate bar man from behind the counter looked at him and raised an eyebrow, "Hey, man! You can't just go spinning dangerous weapons like that around, you could cut someone's head off!"

The young man chuckled a bit, walking over to the counter and sinking the blade right in front of the startled man, "Yeah, that would be a damned shame, wouldn't it?"

The candy bar man backed up, raising his hands up defensively, "Hey dude... I don't want any..." The candy bar man gasped as he realized who the young human was.

"Oh, shit, Finn I..." the chocolate cashier stuttered, trying to think up a decent excuse for why he hadn't paid up the protection yet.

The cashier saw an insane, fiery whirlpool in the human's blue eyes and felt his heart sink, "L-listen... te-tell your brother that I'll have the protection money very soo-"

He never got to finish his sentence, for Finn picked his sword off the counter and brought it down yet again, this time significantly harder, splitting the counter in two.

The young man walked over to where the beers were, kicking open the glass and pulling out a six pack. He walked over to the counter, smashing apart the small rows of cheap goods with his sword on the way. He at last reached the frightened candy and grabbed him by the hem of his wrapper, "Look, I don't give a shit what your excuse is. Have the money by tomorrow, or I'll light this whole damn place up, with you gagged and bound in it. Clear?"

The man struggled to hold back his tears, "Cry- cr- crystal, Mr. Finn..."

Finn released the man's wrapper, causing him to fall back into the rows of sugar-cigarettes behind him. Finn yanked the cash register out of it's place, slamming it open and pouring the money on the split counter. The young crook then pocked all the money, "Consider that a late fee."

The young human sheathed his sword across his back, picked up the stolen six-pack, and exited the store, cracking open a beer and taking a sip from it on the way out.

Finn looked down at the beer in his hands, "Meh. Candy Kingdom brewers make their snooze-juice _way _too sweet... better than nothin' I suppose." he said aloud, taking another swig.

Suddenly, Finn heard a ringing in his pocket. He reached into his pocket and pulled out a phone, seeing it was his brother, Jake, on the other end.

"'Sup, Jake?" asked Finn.

"Do you have the protection?" asked Jake on the other line. Finn sighed, "Naw. Little prick won't pay up... I gave him until tomorrow. If he doesn't have it by then, I'll make sure he doesn't live to regret it."

"Hey! Stop right there, you're under arrest!"

Finn yawned and turned around, seeing three banana guards rush towards him. He drew his sword, and tucked away his phone, slashing all the guards apart before their segmented corpses hit the yellow candy stone beneath.

Finn smirked to himself, watching the scared residents watch him leave with wide eyes.

* * *

**OK, there are 5 options for a love interest: PB, Marcy, Flame Princess, Huntress Wizard, or Jungle Princess. Why the last two? I dunno, I just feel they should get some attention. I'll defiantly include them in the story. Just a forewarning, there will probably be feels for all of them, but Finn will most likely end up with Marcy.**

**Anyway, from this point, I'll try to write the plots of episodes IF Finn and Jake were bad dudes with attitudes. Of course, I'll have to skip alot, because half the season 2 episodes were about PB making Finn and Jake do some quest for her. I'll also try to add in some original episodes.**


	4. Zombie Panic

Finn and Jake sat at the Candy Tavern, Finn bringing a mug of cold brew to his lips before pouring it down his throat, creating a warm splash in his belly.

Finn smirked, looking around the smoky environment, watching some poor bastard get beat for hustling a game of pool. Finn looked over at his brother, who was smoking a cigar.

Jake looked back, smirking. He hadn't changed much over the years of his teenage hood, besides getting a bit bigger and losing his eye in from a knife slash a few years back. He now wore an eye patch over his empty socket.

Finn brought the mug back to his lips, sipping down some more of the sweet beer before asking his brother a question, "Yo, Jake... how fast do you think Bubblebutt would have the bananas on us if she knew we were down here...?"

Jake gave a small chuckle, blowing out more smoke, "Dunno."

Suddenly, an alarm went off. Finn knew that sound well. That alarm meant that everyone was to report to the castle, ASAP.

Finn shot up out of his chair, "Oh shit! Someone snitched on us!"

Jake quickly threw down his cigar, rushing out the saloon doors with his brother.

They got caught up in the huge crowd, and ended up in the castle.

Finn pushed past the crowd, pulling down his wolf-hat in the hope that no one would recognize him. He eventually reached his brother, who had morphed into the shape of a round candy.

"Jake..." he said quietly, "-we need to get outta here, now..."

Jake nodded, "Yeah... but we can't make a scene, or else someone might recognize us..."

They were all startled by the sudden appearance of the banana guards, who were busy nailing the windows shut. This caused a confused murmur among the crowd.

Suddenly, PB stood atop a podium, lifting a megaphone up, "ATTENTION, CANDY PEOPLE! No need to be alarmed... its just that... uh... we're having a sleepover!"

All the Candy People began cheering, and Finn shook his head from side-to-side, "Do these friggin' man children actually believe that?"

Jake answered him, "It's actually kind of scary... Bubblebutt makes sure that all of here citizens are all sweet, innocent, and defenseless... except for her law enforcement. She's like a way overprotective mom."

"Or Hitler..." muttered Finn.

Jake raised an eyebrow, "What's a Hitler?"

Finn shrugged his shoulders, "Dunno. I heard Ice King call her that during one of his moments. Anyway, let's just get outta here..."

"Hey!" cried a pinata' suspended from the ceiling, down at Finn and Jake, "the Princess would like to have a word with you guys."

Still with his hat pulled down, Finn and his brother slunk over to the Princess standing to the corner of the room. She led them into her lab, locking the door behind her.

Finn pulled up his hat, "Nice to see ya again, Bubblebutt. Hey, you think you're wearing enough pink?"

PB growled, "Look, you! I would have your asses arrested right now, if it wasn't for the crisis we're having."

"What crisis?" asked Jake, morphing back to his base form.

Bubblegum looked around, "You have to promise not to tell anyone..."

Finn nodded his head, as did Jake. Bubblegum leaned over, whispering to them, "-there's a zombie outbreak..."

Finn frowned, "Zombies? How?"

PB looked like she was holding back tears, "I-I developed a Life Serum. It was supposed to bring back the dead, but it just created zombies... and they're on the way to the kingdom as we speak..."

Jake snorted, "How do ya like that? Trying to play Glob, but you raised hell instead. I hope this shows what a 'caring' leader you are to your people."

PB balled her fists up, "Look. Please, just help me hold off the zombies until I can develop a cure... please?"

Finn pointed his finger at her, "OK, so, why don't you just get your Gumball dudes to fix this?"

She sighed, "I lost the amulet to control them long ago... they'll only awaken automatically if I'm in danger or a Royal Promise is broken."

Finn rubbed hid chin, "What's in it for us...?"

PB looked shocked, "I won't throw you in my dungeon!"

Finn and Jake giggled. Finn looked over at her, shaking his head from side-to-side, "That's pretty funny... like you and your oversized, yellow dildos could handle us. But seriously, whadda we get?"

PB growled, "FINE. What do you want?"

Finn stroked his chin for a moment, "What about... 50 grand?"

PB gasped, "50 GRAND?! ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR MINDS?!"

Finn smirked, rubbing under his nose, "I might be. The 50 is just for me, what do you want, Jake?"

Jake smirked, "Tell ya what, PB... howsa bout' you set me up with that Rainicorn friend of yours, and we'll call it a deal?"

PB's face turned red in anger, "You... you..."

Finn snickered, "Oh Jake, you crazy bastard, the things you'll do for some pussy. But, I digress. Bubblebutt, just work on that cure, and we'll handle your little zombie problem."

PB sighed, defeated, "Alright... well, hurry!"

Finn smirked, Jake morphing into a large blob and attaching to his bro's fist, forming a large glove around it. Finn smirked, rearing his fist back before breaking through the nearest wall to the outside of the castle.

Finn laughed, his brother crawling onto his back. Finn jumped out, the yellow bulldog on his back transforming into a parachute, allowing the two to float gently to the ground.

Finn and Jake ran towards the Candy Kingdom's gates, where a huge heard of the undead were shambling in. Finn smirked, drawing his demon-blood sword, and rushing at the undead, chopping the first row to little bits in a matter of seconds.

Jake stretched out his fists, smashing the undead beneath his giant hands. The boys continued their assault on the undead like this, ultimately reducing them all down to sugary little chunks.

"NO! WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?!"

Princess Bubblegum ran over to them, several beakers filled with an orange liquid, "I MEANT TO JUST HOLD THEM OFF!"

Finn snorted, "Yeah? Well, you should have just so..."

PB ground her foot into the ground, "NOW HOW WILL WE BRING BACK THE DEAD?!"

Finn laughed, "We don't. People die for a reason. Those dudes already passed, so shouldn't you be thanking us for saving your kingdom?"

PB blushed vividly, "GRRHHH... YOU KNOW WHAT?! JUST COME AND GET YOUR DAMN MONEY AND DATE TOMARROW."

Finn smirked, fist bumping Jake as they walked out of the kingdom. As if from nowhere, Peppermint Butler suddenly was at Bubblegum's side, arms folded behind his back.

"So, Princess," he said, "-would you like me to have a trap set up for those two?"

"No..." said the Princess, shaking her head, "-they did save my kingdom... so I'll let them off the hook, just this once."

Peppermint Butler smiled, "Whatever you wish, Princess... but something tells me you won't be able to withstand having those two in your hair for much longer..."

* * *

**Hey, I just thought of two more possible love interests for Finn: Breakfast Princess and Water Princess.**


	5. Lost in Lumpy Space

PB sat across from LSP, now wearing a frilly white dress. They were using a large mushroom as a table to hold their tea pots and cups.

"Thanks for coming with me, LSP..." the Candy Princess said, taking a sip from her tea, "I didn't want to see those assholes on my own..."

"Don't mention it, girl!" said LSP in her usual valley girl accent, looking back at the two assholes in question.

Finn was looking through the briefcases, making sure his 50 thousand was all there. Jake was harassing an angry looking Lady Rainicorn, stroking her chin.

Finn picked up his two cases, walking over to Jake and Lady, "Its all there, Jake. Lets book it."

Jake smirked, "Hold on, Finn... I was promised a date with the fine lady here. So, what time would be best for you, sugar...?"

The unicorn said something in Korean, causing the dog to look at her, confusedly. PB walked over, "She said if she must, she'll go out with you tonight at 9."

Finn laughed, starting to walk away, "Later, Bubblebutt."

LSP suddenly flew past Bubblegum, "Wait, Finn! DON'T YOU LIKE, WANT MY NUMBER!?"

Finn looked over his shoulder, seeing the sassy, purple cloud fly at him. Finn quickly ducked under her, and LSP ended up bumping into Jake, the two then stumbling down a hill, LSP ending up sinking her sharp fangs into Jake's leg.

Jake screamed in pain, kicking the princess off of him. Finn looked down the hill, his eyes wide. He slid down, coming to a stop in front of the bulldog, evaluating the wound on his leg.

"Dude," Finn said, amazed, "-its swelling up like a damn balloon!"

LSP floated up, her hands on her sides, "Well, duh. Like, haven't you heard that lumpy bites can turn you into a lumpy person?"

Finn growled, grabbing LSP and throwing her to the ground, then quickly placing his father's sword at her neck, "HOW DO I FIX IT?!"

PB slid down the hill, "FINN! There's no need for violence!"

"NO NEED FOR VIOLENCE!?" shouted Jake, clutching his injury, "I DON'T WANNA BE SOME VALLEY GIRL CLOUD FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE! HOW DO I FIX IT?!"

LSP shook violently, "Like, you need get to Lumpy Space! We have an orb there that can cure you when you sit on it! But if we don't do it soon, he'll be stuck like that, for like, ever!"

Finn grabbed her by the head, hauling her up, "WHERE IS IT!?"

LSP gasped, "LIKE, COOL YOUR LUMPS! IT'S IN LUMPY SPACE, AT MAKEOUT POINT! COME ON, I'LL LIKE, TAKE YOU THERE!"

* * *

Jake eyed the slimy, green frog sitting upon the mushroom.

"You're really trying to tell me this _frog_ is the portal to your kingdom?"

"Lumpy Space Princess," croaked the frog, ignoring Jake, "-are you sure you want to let _non-lumpers_ into Lumpy Space?"

LSP leaned over, whispering into its ear, "Look... these are some, like, bad dudes. I want you call dad and have him send over some guards... but for like, now, just let 'em in..."

The amphibian nodded in acknowledgment, before swallowing Finn, Jake, and LSP, sending them to Lumpy Space.

Finn looked around, taking in the solid purple clouds and staring in shock at the swirling black-hole near the bottom of the realm.

Finn looked over LSP, "How do we get to the cure?!"

LSP put her hands on her bottom lumps, "Like, I already called my girlfriend Melisa over."

Melisa, a fat, pinkish lump person, then pulled up in some sort of cloud/car hybrid.

"Hey, girlfriend! Ready to go to prom?"

LSP floated up to her excitedly, "Lump yeah!"

Finn's eyes widened, "PROM!? HAVE YOU FORGOTTEN ABOUT MY BROTHER?!"

LSP laughed a bit, "Listen, guy-"

Finn grabbed her by the throat, slamming the princess against the purple clouds underneath, knocking her out. Finn then grabbed Jake, tossed him into the backseat of the flying vehicle, and jumped into the passenger's seat, right next to Melisa.

Finn held his sword up to Melisa's throat, "MAKEOUT POINT. NOW."

Tears ran down Melisa's eyes as she started up the car, flying over to point in question. They soon found what they were looking for, and Finn grabbed Jake, who's leg had swollen up to the point of being useless.

Finn hopped out of the car, running up to the Lumpy People who were arguing over some sort of white orb.

Finn growled, pointing his sword at them, "Hand over the cure, and no one gets hurt..."

They laughed, holding the ball up, "Jeez, man... just take it, no need to be so lumpin' violent... all you have to do is sit on it."

Finn smirked, accepting the orb from the lumpy teen. He put it underneath Jake, who's swelling instantly went down.

Finn laughed, hugging his brother close to him, "Thought I lost you for a second there, bro."

Jake laughed as well, patting his brother on the back, "Thanks, dude. I thought I was done for for a second there."

"Done for?"

"I would have rather offed myself then become a Lumpy Person..."

Finn laughed a bit, "Yeah, me too."

"Hey, stop right there! You guys are all goin' to the slammer!"

Finn over his shoulder to see a group of 5 Lumpy Cops, four blue ones with badges and stun rods right behind a green one with a tazer, large sheriff's hat, shades, and a lumpy mustache. Behind them was a smug-looking Lumpy Space Princess and her fused parents.

Finn grunted, "You guys are serious? Why don't you take your own advice for once and 'lump off?'"

The sheriff gasped, looking over to the cops behind him, "OFFICERS! Take these punks to down!"

"Yes sir!" they said in unison, powering on their stun rods, slowly floating towards Finn and Jake.

Finn snorted, dodging an electrified club strike from a Lumpy Cop on his right, grabbing the cop's wrist and popping his shoulder out, grabbing his stun rob before elbowing the top of his head, knocking him out.

Finn powered the stun rod on, striking at another cop, knocking him out as well. Meanwhile, Jake was dodging the swings of the two other cops, before grabbing their heads and slamming them together, knocking them out as well.

Finn smirked, looking over at the frightened Sheriff and LSP.

Finn picked up the orb, hurling it at the sheriff. The green lumper ducked under it, and it hit LSP, breaking open and spilling an odd, clear fluid over her.

Finn and Jake rushed past, Finn riding on Jake's back, who was stretching from one cloud to another, back to the exit.

LSP moaned a bit, before passing out from her head injury.

* * *

Lumpy Space Dad floated around the room, anxious of his daughter's condition. Suddenly, Princess Bubbelgum walked out, a notepad in her hands.

"Princess Bubblegum," he said, "I can't thank you enough for examining my daughter... so, how is she...?"

Bubblegum sighed, "LSP, come on out."

Out of from one of the doors stepped in a new girl. She was slightly plump, curvy, had puffy purple hair, light purple skin, a cute button nose, had a star on her forehead, and was wearing a puffy purple dress.

"Hi Mom, hi Dad..." she said sadly, her voice now out of a valley girl accent and into a slightly Hispanic one.

LSD threw his arms into the air, "MY DAUGHTER ISN'T A LUMPY PERSON ANYMORE?! HOW DID THIS HAPPEN?!"

PB looked through her notes, "Well, sir, it looks like whatever cure was in that orb in it's pure form was potent enough to cure your daughter of the Lumps, even though she was born naturally..."

Lumpy Space Mom sighed, "It's fine... all we have to do is bite her..."

LSP backed up, "Whoa, hold up! The thing is... um... I kind of like being a humanoid..."

LSD looked furious, "YOU _LIKE_ BEING A NON-LUMPER?! YOU ARE NOW BANISHED FROM THE KINGDOM, YOUNG LADY!"

He floated out of the door, and LSP just stood there for a moment, deep in thought.

PB looked over, "LSP... are you alright...?"

She ran over into her pink friends arms, sobbing into her shoulder. PB sighed and stroked her purple hair, "Shh... it's alright..."

* * *

**What pairing would you like to see with Bubblegum? Braco, the kinda-humanized LSP, or Marceline? Or should she just be a loveless workaholic, like in the show?**


	6. Heart Failure

"Yo, Ice King," said Finn, stepping into his friend's house, "-Gunter left her- holy shit!"

Finn ran over to the Ice King, who was laying on the icy ground, a gaping hole in his chest.

IK smiled weakly up at the human, "Hey, Finn. I'm pretty messed up, huh?"

Finn grunted, tearing off the bottom of Ice King's robe and wrapping it around his chest to stop the bleeding, "IK, what happened here?"

Ice King breathed out hoarsely, "It-it was my-my heart..."

"Your heart...?"

Ice King nodded his head, "My heart... I was making a love potion to make Princess Bubblegum fall in love with me... but... but I fudged it up, and my heart burst from my chest. He called himself Ricardio, and now he wants to rip out Bubbelgum's heart and make out with it... please Finn! You need to save the princess..."

Finn draped his old friend over his shoulders, "Fuck the princess! I need to save _you._ Come on, lets go!"

Finn started running out of the Ice Kingdom, taking out his phone and calling Jake on his way, "Jake? You need to get your ass over to the Candy Kingdom gates ASAP!"

"What?" said Jake, "-why?"

Finn explained the King of Cool's predicament, all while exiting the Ice Kingdom.

"OK," Jake said, "-I'll be right over to help."

Finn put up his phone, running out of the Ice Kingdom.

* * *

LSP sat a table, sighing while sipping on some sweet wine. She looked over at PB and that Ricardio guy chatting it up.

"Odd fellow, that Ricardio is." said Peppermint Butler, suddenly standing at LSP's side.

LSP puffed out her cheeks, "You're defiantly right... There's something up with that guy..."

Peppermint Butler shrugged his shoulders, "Perhaps... looks can be deceiving. I should know that more than anybody..."

Ignoring the creepy candy's comment, LSP sat up and marched over to PB, grabbing her arm, "PB? Can I talk to in for a moment? In private?"

PB giggled, "Well, of course, LSP! Ricardio, will you excuse me for a moment?"

Ricardio smiled, bowing his head, "Of course, princess..."

LSP dragged the candy girl out onto a balcony, grabbing her by the shoulders, "PB, there's defiantly something fishy about Ricardio..."

PB giggled haughtily, "Oh, don't be silly, LSP! Ricardio is a perfectly fine gentlemen!"

"You should listen to your friend, Bubblebutt."

PB spun around and gasped. Finn and Jake, along with a weak-looking Ice King, snuck up behind them. Finn quickly explained Ricardio's origins to PB, but she didn't buy it.

"You barbarians would believe someone's heart could burst from their chest and come to life..."

"Oh my... I find your lack of faith disturbing, princess..."

Ricardio stood behind them, his arms folded behind his back. Finn stepped forward, "Get back in Ice King's chest, or I'll split you in two..."

Ricardio laughed again, "I know Simon, Finn. And he knows you. And I know enough about you to know that you're smart enough to realize that if I die, Simon dies as well... you're bluffing."

Finn remained stoic, wondering why the heart referred to Ice King as Simon, "I don't bluff. If you won't get back in his chest, he'll die anyway, so I might as well kill you if you don't."

Ricardio chuckled, "I don't believe you have the guts to kill me, Finn. I don't believe you have the guts to kill one of your best friends! You don't have the-"

Ricardio was interrupted when Finn sliced him in two. Ricardio gurgled and fell to the ground, blood spewing everywhere.

Ice King laughed, "Hey, Finn! I needed that..."

Finn looked over at Bubblegum, fire in his eyes, "Bubblegum, get your pink ass to your lab and make Ice King a replacement heart, this instant..."

Bubblegum gasped, "You honestly can't expect me too..."

Finn slammed his fist against the balcony railing, cracking the stone, "I SAID NOW!"

Bubblegum backed up a bit, LSP right behind her, "I- I should have an artificial heart ready in an hour..."

Finn draped Ice King over his shoulder, "Well, better get to work then, huh?"

Bubblegum sighed, rushing into her lab.

* * *

Bubbelgum and LSP walked out of her lab, the Ice King walking behind them on crutches, still weak from the operation.

Finn smiled brightly, running up to the old man, "Holy crap, IK, I thought I lost you for a sec, buddy!"

Bubblegum pushed past Ice King, sticking her finger up into Finn's face, "What do you care about life, huh?! How many keepers of the peace have you killed for just trying to stop your illegal operations?"

Finn grabbed her hand, practically breaking it, "What do _you_ care about life?! You create it, bring it back, and kill any thing that doesn't fit the bill! I bet when I kill those dumb-ass bananas of yours, its just like breaking a doll to you!"

PB gasped, slapping him across the face, before crying out for her Banana Guards.

Finn quickly grabbed Ice King and Jake and dove out a nearby window, leaving the two princesses there by themselves.

PB rubbed the bridge of her nose, "I really hate those guys..."

LSP sighed as well, "Yeah, me too. Well, later, princess...

PB narrowed her eyes at her purple pal as she left... the old LSP would have said 'I told you so' a million times over. Now that she was cured, not only had her annoying accent disappeared, but her personality had changed as wel... she was very laid-back, yet was more than willing to help Peppermint Butler out as a maid to repay her for letting her stay at the Candy Castle since her parents kicked her out.

PB smiled. It was nice to have friends.


	7. Mob Time!

Finn stumbled drunkenly down the beach, his brother right beside them. They were on their way to Ice King's lair, to check how their friend was doing after his heart surgery. Unfortunately for their livers, the boys stumbled upon a wicked party, where they indulged heavily upon the alcoholic beverages.

The drunken crooks eventually stumbled upon a fragment of an ice berg washed up on the beach. If one were to look close enough, they would notice 4 figures frozen within the murky ice... but in his drunken state, another thought came to him as he stared upon the chunk of ice.

He brought a bottle of beer to his lips, chugging down some the alcohol, "Ja-ake-e..." he muttered, starting to get wobbly.

"Yea, man?"

Finn took another swig from his beer, narrowing his eyes at the ice, "I- I don't like the way dat ice is lukin' et mi..."

Jake shrugged his shoulders, "Well... go kick it's ass!"

Finn finished off his beer, tossing the empty bottle into the sand below him. With a mighty shout, Finn ran full speed at the ice-chunk, smashing into it with his head, both breaking the ice open and knocking the crook out.

* * *

The next thing Finn knew, he woke up in his cave-house, laying on the sofa. Although his head throbbed to the point when he thought it would burst, he managed to look up and see four blue men in black suits looming over him, one in a red tie particularity close.

Finn screamed and rolled off the couch, reaching under the sofa and pulling out an emergency moring-star. He spun it around, pointing at the newcomers, "Who the stuff are you ass-heads?!"

The one with the red-tie smiled, "We're business men. Demon business men, more specifically.

Finn stopped spinning around his weapon, "Demons...?"

They all shook their heads, "Yes. We also used to work in a mob with a demon named Hunson Abadeer before the Mushroom War, but after he took over the Night O' Sphere and had no use for us, and ordered an ice demon to kill us! Fortunately for us, we just were frozen in that iceberg... but you freed us! That's why we're working for you and your brother now!"

Jake then walked into the room, laughing. Finn raised his eyebrow at the dog, "You think this is funny, Jake?"

Jake smiled, "Are you kidding...? It's awesome! With these guys on our side, we can become a serious crime force!"

Finn rubbed his chin, "Okay... but we'll need other members..."

They all smiled, "It's okay, take your time. And when we're done, we'll take over Ooo!"

Finn looked curiously down at his brother, and they shared a chuckle. The red-tie wearing demon stepped forward, "Whats so funny, boss...?"

Finn shook his head, "That's pretty funny, guys. But be serious... we're gangsters, not dictators. I have no desire to rule this radioactive wasteland, and neither does Jake."

Jake shook his head in agreement, and the business backed up, forming a huddle. They talked for a bit, before turning back to Finn and Jake, "Alright. So, we can't change you're mind?"

"No, you can't" replied Finn.

"Fine," said the demon with the red tie, "-then we'll just have to get back in good favor with Hunson... a human sacrifice should do!"

Finn's eyes widened as the head demon shot forward, thrusting his palm out at the human's face. Finn vered to the right at the last second, grabbing the demon's arm. The young human head-butted the suit-clad demon, before hosting him over his shoulder and slamming him into the floor.

The demons began advancing, their ring leader pick himself up off the ground.

Finn looked down at Jake, "Jake suit?"

Jake nodded, "Jake suit."

Jake jumped ontop of Finn and slushed into a liquid, his hair and face disappearing. Jake formed a skin-tight suit around his brother, save for the head.

Finn laughed, lifting his fists up, "You like? This is actually mark 2 of this technique... the first one was big, bulky, fast and strong, but this one actually a_ugments _my speed and strength instead of adding Jake's too my own... only downside is Jake can't hold his liquid form for to long, so count yourselves lucky. I'll have to kill you quickly!"

Before they could react, Finn sprung forward, implanting his yellow fist in the demon's gut. The demon threw up purple blood, before Finn sprung up, knocking the demon's head clean off with an uppercut.

The second demon rushed at Finn, throwing a kick at his head. Finn grabbed his leg, before yanking it out, then preforming a hay maker on the business demon, causing his neck to snap from the impact.

Finn looked over at the last two demons, one in the red tie and another one in a blue tie like his two dead companions. Finn smirked, "So... you can run at any time."

Deciding to cut his losses, the head demon spun around, jumping out of a nearby window. The last demon standing backed up, shaking in fear. Finn tossed his fist at him, only for the demon to raise his hands up in surrender.

The yellow fist stopped an inch in front of the business demon's face. Finn groaned, "What is it?"

The demon shook with fear, "I-I- I'll work for you, alright? I don't care about ruling Ooo anyway!"

Finn smirked, Jake sliding off of his body and transforming back into his dog form. The demon shook both of their hands, "I'm Clint, by the way. And with my help, this gang can go far!"

Finn scratched his chin, "Great. Now, we just need to find some gang members..."

* * *

**Alright, whos going to be in Finn's gang? Right now, I think I'm going to put in Jake's old gang, Ice King, Huntress Wizard, Donny, Magic Man and Penny. Do you have any ideas for someone to be in the gang? Any OC's you'd like me to add? And finally, do you guys think I should add lemons to this story, or no?**

**And what do you think of my version of the Jake suit? To explain it better, Jake kinda liquifeies and molds around Finn. This amplifies his strength and speed more than the standard Jake suit, but it's hard for Jake to hold it.**


	8. Get Outta Here!

Finn sat back on the couch, the past day's events running through his mind as he watched the rain from out of his window and through the cave mouth...

* * *

Finn kicked a housy over to Donny, the obnoxious grass ogre catching the poor little structure and punting it into a nearby tree.

Finn laughed, "Hey, Don..."

Don laughed as well, looking over at Finn, "What is it, Finn?"

Finn wiped a tear from his eye, "I'm starting up a gang... you want in?"

Donny punched is palm, "Heck yeah!"

* * *

Finn walked through the forest, on his way to Ice King's castle. That's when he heard a hoarse voice croak out to him, "Hey, kid... Ya got anything to eat for a poor old man?"

Finn looked over his shoulder to see a figure wrapped up in a cloak. Finn crossed his arms, "Get lost, old man, or you'll be eating a knuckle sandwich!"

He laughed, much to Finn's surprise. He threw his cloak off, floating into the air. Finn could now see he wasn't a poor old man at all, but a green wizard in ragged, yellow clothing.

"Well met, fellow jerk!" he said, floating to the ground. He grabbed Finn's hand, shaking it firmly, "-what's your name, jerk?"

Finn looked around, sure he was being punked. He tried answering the green man, regardless, "Uh... "

The man smiled, "Never mind that! I already know who you are, Finn! You can call me..." he tossed countless, sparkly balls into the air, where they exploded into the words, 'Magic Man'.

Finn crossed his arms, "So... what do you want, Magic Man? And how do you know who I am? Are you just not a stuck up prick like most wizards and actually get involved with the rest of the world?"

The Magic Man smiled brightly, "Oh no, the Grand Wizard kicked me out a long time ago... I learned who you are from Donny! We run a newsletter together with some witch... anyway, I want in your gang!"

Finn smirked, "Well, I guess you can join if you're friends with Don..."

Magic Man laughed, "So, what are you doing out here?"

"On my way to check on my bud, Ice King, and see if he wants to join the gang."

Magic Man grabbed onto Finn's shoulder, "Okey dokey! Hold on, I'll warp us over there!"

* * *

Finn and Magic Man appeared in Ice King's cave, where the old cook was laying on his ice slab, still recovering from his surgery.

Finn walked over to him, "'Sup, IK?"

Ice King smiled, "Oh, hey, Finn... didn't see you come in, buddy. So... how has life been treatin' yah?"

Finn shrugged his shoulders, "I'm starting to form a serious gang... you wanna join? It'll be fun!"

"Oh yeah! That sounds awesome!"

* * *

Finn grabbed the little red-head by the hem of her collar, yanking her up and slamming her against the stone wall of the back-alley.

"You know, no one will give a damn if I murdered you. Who would miss some nobody, little pick-pocket girl?" Finn said, a smile spreading across his lips.

She squirmed about, "Hey! Let me go! I gave you back your wallet, asshole! What more do you want?"

"I'm starting a gang... I've only had one other person pick-pocket me in my whole life, and that was back when I was 9. I could use a thief of your caliber. So, you in?"

He set Penny down, and she narrowed her eyes, "You swear to give me a fair share of the loot...?"

Finn placed his hand on his heart, "You have my word."

Penny smiled, "Then I'm in."

* * *

Finn sighed once more... he wanted to recruit more, but he was pooped for the day... Jake was gone to round up their old gang, and he wouldn't be back for a few more days. Finn had given the recruits specific coordination's to meet... it was a dingy bar in the middle of the Desert of Doom, but nobody would really care about them there.

He looked out the window, watching the raindrops splatter against the ground. He got up and walked over to a stray magazine on the floor, taking a look inside of it.

It was an article about... heroism. Something that the Land of Ooo seemed to be lacking nowadays, apparently, what with the monster population running rampant and crime constantly increasing.

At the bottom was a picture of the legendary hero, Billy. Finn groaned. When he was just a child, he actually had a certain respect for Billy... and he wanted to be a hero, but Glob-forbid Jake or any of his friends know that. He was raised from the age of 7 by his brother running from the authority's and being beat by them, until he hit 13. Then he and Jake hit back.

By the time he had killed his first banana guard, the notion of himself ever being a hero seemed ridiculous. Even childish.

His thoughts were interrupted by a giggling erupting through the room. He narrowed his eyes, looking around the room. He looked over at the window, seeing a shadow rush past as a bolt of lighting struck.

He was momentarily surprised, but he shrugged it off... his brother and Tiffany had scared him with stories of the evil Count Dracula and Wolfman since he could walk, but he wasn't afraid of the unnatural... besides, it was probably nothing. He decided it would be best to take his mind off things with a good movie.

Finn opened up his movie self. Their were all sorts of dvd's from the pre-Mushroom War era. '_Lets see here..,'_ he thought to himself. He looked through all his comedies, '_I've seen all of these twice. Next!' _Romance? '_Why are these even here?'. _He looked at the 'adult' movies in the back. '_Now's hardly the time..'._

He smiled as he picked up a copy of one of his favorites, _Heat Signature 4_. _'Finally! Haven't seen this one in a while.' _he threw the box on his sofa and went into the kitchen. He looked through the fridge for a beer. He wanted some alcohol, but didn't want to get piss drunk. He noticed that the six-pack he had in the back was missing one, which was odd, considering last night all six were their, and he or Jake didn't drink any that day.

But something else caught his eye. In the top of the fridge was a bowl of strawberries, and he or Jake didn't buy any strawberries, _ever._

_'What the hell?" _thought Finn as he took out the fruit to examine it. What was even stranger, though, was at the top of the strawberries, their was a dried up gray one. As Finn picked it up to examine it, he noticed their was a tiny slit at its side. _'Freaky...'_.

Then he heard something else, something that really freaked him out. It was the opening theme of Heat Signature. '_But I haven't even put it in yet! Someone broke into my house!'_ He drew his demon-blood sword and rushed into the T.V. Room, looking around. The invader had turned off the light, causing the room's only source of light to become the T.V.. The only sounds were the movie and Finn's breathing.

The intruder, however, was nowhere to be seen. Finn carefully made his way over to the light's and flipped them on. Right on cue, he heard a female voice, "What's wrong with you? Have to watch horror with the lights on, huh?"

He spun around and saw a young woman sitting on his couch. She looked to be around his age. She had long, mid-night black hair, pale skin, blood-red pupils, and pointy ears. From these features, Finn could draw she was some sort of demon, although she wore red boots, black jeans, and a white tank top, as opposed to the usual aristocratic clothing or loin clothes demons wore.

She strummed a few notes on some kind of bass guitar/ battle axe hybrid and flashed him a smile, exposing her razor-sharp fangs. '_Vampire...' _Finn realized.

"Get out of my house. Now." he said angrily. She smiled even wider, " Aren't you gonna introduce yourself before you start barking orders at a lady?"

Finn remained silent. She put down her weapon/instrument and slowly floated towards him. She stook out her hand. "Alright, grumpy pants. I'll go first Marceline, the Vampire Queen."

Finn didn't shake her hand, " Yeah, and I'm Finn, King of breakfast cereal. Now get the hell out of my house." he said, pointing to the door.

She floated higher and grabbed her stomach, laughing. "Your house?" she said, wiping a tear away from her eye.

Finn growled. "Yes, MY house...". The Vampire Queen pointed at the roof at a large "M". " 'M' is for 'Marceline'." she said.

Finn pointed at her, "Hey, that doesn't prove anything! That could stand mango for all I know!"

She giggled "Well, how about a little challenge? We'll have a duel, if I win, I get my house back. If you win, I'll leave and never come back."

Finn gripped his sword tighter and smiled, "Alright, sounds good."

Marcy sprung forward, swinging her ax at his head. Finn ducked under, flipping back. He rushed at the Vampire, swinging his sword at her head. She ducked under his slash, and flew above him, transforming back into a humanoid and throwing a dive kick aimed his head.

Finn blocked her foot with the cross of his sword, and swung again, knocking the sword out of the girls hands. He tackled her to the ground, wrestling around until he pinned her to the ground, his sword pressed against her throat.

She smiled, "Aright, jeez... you win."

She transformed into a bat again, flying above him. She floated down as a human once again, kissing his cheek before flying skyward again, "Keep the house... as a gift from me, MARCELINE! BLEH!"

As she flew out of the cave, Finn sighed, "Why do I get the feeling I won't be seeing the last of that chick...?"

* * *

**Why did I copy the chapter from when Finn meets Marcy from my old story? Cuz, thats why. **


	9. Forest Chapel

Finn was in the forest, sitting underneath a tree, napping.

"Finn. Wake up, you lazy moron."

Finn opened up his eyes, standing up to stretch out his arms. He looked over at his companion, Huntress Wizard.

She smiled a bit, "So, how have you been doing?"

Finn stretched out his legs, "Fine. Drugs, stealing shit, banging bitches. Usual thug stuff. How have you been doing, Hunny?"

Huntress Wizard snorted at her nickname, "Fine. Haven't had any sex for while, though..."

Finn smirked wickedly, finishing his stretches, "So, you wanna fuck?"

Huntress Wizard shook her head, "Sorry, Finn. I'm just teasing you... anyway, I promised I'd meet my parents for lunch... it's my birthday, you know."

Finn smiled, "Congrats! Shit, now I feel bad about not getting you anything... so, how old are you, Hunny?"

"116." she stated bluntly.

Finn rubbed the back of his head, "Geez. I forgot you're an immortal wizard. Anyway, have fun."

She watched as Finn slipped his leather jacket and wolf hat back on, starting to walk in the other direction.

She sighed sadly, wiping a tear from her eye and proceeding to exit the forest clearing and walk to her mother's house.

* * *

Huntress Wizard walked through her mother's doughnut garden, approaching her large hut, where she heard her mother nagging at her father about how they were never married.

Huntress Wizard pushed the door open, walking in. Her parents smiled brightly at her.

Her father, the Forest Wizard, smiled at her from under his long, light green beard, "Honey! It's great to see you again!"

Huntress Wizard involuntary sighed when she heard that nickname. Of course, her father called her that because he believed her to be sweet, while Finn called her that to playfully mock her name.

"What's wrong, dear?" asked her incredibly hunchbacked mother, eating a doughnut.

Huntress Wizard sighed again, "It's nothing, mom."

The Witch narrowed her yellow eyes at her daughter. She whiped around, her wispy, black hair flailing around as she grabbed a doughnut from a golden box.

She placed it in front of her daughter. It looked like any other doughnut, except it had rainbow frosting and golden, glowing sprinkles.

Huntress Wizard picked it up, examining the pastry, "What kind of doughnut is this, mom?"

She snickered, "Its a birthday doughnut, sweety... go ahead, I've been working on it all day."

Huntress Wizard wouldn't have eaten it if it wasn't her mother that offered it to her. With a shrug, she took a bite.

The Witch smiled, "So, sweet-heart... are you sure there's nothing you'd like to talk about...?"

Huntress sighed propping her elbow against the table, "Well... you know that guy I like, Finn? I want to be his girlfriend, but all he wants is sex..."

Huntress slammed her hands against her mouth, releasing what she had just said.

'_Why did I say that?!_' she thought to herself, panicking.

"AH HA!" screamed the Doughnut Witch, waving her cane in the air, "I LIED! IT WAS A TRUTH-NUT, AND IT MAKES YOU SPEAK YOUR MIND!"

Forest Wizard slammed his fists against the table, "HOW DARE THAT PUNK USE MY DAUGHTER?! I'LL KILL HIM!"

Tears fell from her eyes, "Dad, no! I was the one who started it, and I never really told him how I feel!"

The Witch placed her hand on her daughter's shoulder, "Look, sweet-heart... he won't want you! I've heard about that guy, all he cares about is himself... but don't worry, you'll get your love."

Forest Wizard shot up, "He's going to marry you, whether he likes it or not!"

Huntress Wizard sat up, "Dad! I'm 116 years old! You can't tell me what to do with my life!"

Her mother then touched her walking stick up to her neck, sending a small volt of electricity throughout her body, knocking her out.

Forest Wizard tied his daughter up with magical vines, "There. That outta hold her until we make preparations for the wedding."

* * *

Finn and Jake sat at their kitchen table with Ice King, playing a game of poker. Finn was about reveal his royal flush, when a large explosion rocked their kitchen, causing the three friends to fall to the floor, their playing cards falling to the floor, along with the debris from the recent explosion.

Ice King coughed, creating a fan of ice to blow away the dust. After it cleared, he could see a massive gap in the kitchen wall, and Forest Wizard carrying a paralyzed Finn.

Jake stood up, wiping a trickle of blood from his mouth, "HEY! What do you want with Finn?!"

A comically hunchbacked witch standing next to Forest Wizard pointed her walking cane at Jake, zapping him with blue lightning. Jake's fur fell off, revealing a chubby man baby body.

"HEY!" screamed Jake, "What the funky fresh?! I can't use my powers!"

The witch laughed, "Now he'll have to marry our daughter!"

Jake's eyes widened, "What?"

Not responding, the witch waved her staff, and the two enchanters disappeared.

Ice King ran over to Jake, "Jake! We've gotta save Finn!"

Jake raised his arms into the air, "How? Even if you are powerful enough to take on those guys by your own, how will we find him?!"

Clint the business demon walked into the room at that moment, now wearing a green tie, "Why don't you just use your dog smell?"

"Oh yeah... c'mon, Ice King!" Jake said, dropping to all fours and sniffing the spot were the spell-casters were, following their scent out of the cave and through the grassy plains...

* * *

Finn hardly knew what was happening... one minute, he was destroying his friend and brother in a game of cards, the next, he was on the floor, knocked down from an explosion... and as he was getting up, he felt a harsh shocking flow throughout his body, and everything went black...

But then he woke up, clad in a tuxedo, his hair washed and neatly combed. He was laying down on a bed, in the middle of some plant-coated back-room...

'_God Glob_...' Finn thought to himself, releasing he knew where he was... where he first met Huntress. It was an old abandoned church in the middle of the forest. He had found her in this very back-room, smoking pot.

Finn heard the door creak open, and in stepped the Forest Wizard, "I honestly don't see what she sees in you..."

Finn reared back his fist, only for his muscles to start contracting. He fell to his knees, growling in pain and anger.

Forest Wizard laughed, "Don't try... I implanted a small, magic weed on the back of your head... as long as its there, I can control your muscle movement."

Finn looked up at the wizard, "What are you talking about?!"

The forest dweller scoffed, "My daughter, Huntress Wizard... do you even realize that shes in love with you?! That she wants to spend the rest of time with you, but you only use her for sex, like shes some kind of object?!"

Finn slammed his fist against the ground, "I didn't know that, you wacko! She's the one who wanted to screw me, so how are you going to blame me?!"

The wizard snapped his fingers, and the small weed implanted on Finn waggled around a bit, causing waves of mind-numbing pain to rack his body.

"... anyway, get up... it's time for your wedding."

Finn's eyes widened as he got up to his feet against his will, and began walking out the door, into the forsaken church... it was mostly nature now, and only the foundations and some of the plaster remained. The creaky benches were filled with forest critters, apparently here to witness the wedding.

Finn stood at the alter, Huntress Wizard standing right in front of him. She wore a light green dress and had on a veil of the same color, a slight trace of her leaf hair sticking out the back. Her hunchbacked mother stood beside her, wiping her tears away with a doughnut.

Finn grunted while her Huntresses' dad began to say typical priestly things. Finn was mad beyond comprehension, until Huntress leaned over, whispering in his ear, "I'm sorry, Finn... I really do love you, but my parents are the ones who are forcing me to marry you..."

Before Finn could respond, Jake and Ice King burst from the treetops, the man-baby Jake landing on top of the witch and sitting on her. The forest animals freaked out, quickly running out of the church.

Ice King looked over at Jake, "Jake! Just keep the witch busy while I handle the Forest Wizard!"

Jake nodded, and Ice King turned to Finn, "Finn, what's going on?!"

"I can't move my body... some kind of mind control..."

Huntress Wizard picked him up, "I'll get it out of him... just handle my parents... and try not to hurt them, Ice King..."

Ice King winked, "Promise, baby."

Huntress shuttered and ran out, Finn in her arms. IK turned towards Forest Wizard, "You're going down, tree-huger!"

FW charged a green aura in his hand, before shooting a green vine at Ice King. Ice King ducked out of the way, and the vine hit a tree, wrapping it around it so tightly the bark began to crackle.

A bead of sweat rolled down the King of Cool's forehead, '_Better not get wrapped up in one of those things...'_

FW shrieked like a wild animal, and just like that, summoned a herd of rapid squirrels from the woods. They advanced towards Ice King, who quickly crafted a giant sculpture of an acorn filled with hydrogen.

The squirrels, being what they are, and attacked the giant nut, gnawing at it.

Forest Wizard face-palmed, "No, you idiots! It's a-"

The sculpture burst, and the gas sprayed all over the nutty little creatures, freezing them solid.

"-trick..." finished the wizard. Ice King smiled, "That was just one trick! I could do this all day, ya hippie!"

Ice King shot some snow on the grassy ground below, and out of it rose a snow golem. Forest Wizard cried out in shock as the giant rushed towards him, knocking the wizard across the room.

FW floated back up, crying out in anger. He fired several leafs out of his palms that lodged into the creature, before exploding in a brilliant display of green light, destroying the snow monster.

Forest Wizard whipped around, staring at Ice King. He laughed, "You idiot! You should have pressed your advantage when I was distracted!"

"I did." responded Ice King.

"Oh really? And what was did you do, pray tell?"

Ice King pointed above his head, "I froze that cloud right above you."

The Wizard looked up just in time to see a huge chunk of ice land on top of him, knocking him out cold and trapping him under the frozen cloud.

Ice King smirked, looking over to the screaming witch. She slammed her hand against the floor, "NO! Get that thing off of him!"

Ice King stroked his beard, "Hmm... how about you give Jake back his powers, then I'll move it?"

She quickly shook her head in agreement, pointing up at Jake and zapping him with blue lightning, returning him to normal. Ice King pointed his finger at the frozen cloud, and it melted.

The Witch hobbled over to the sobbing wet wizard, grabbing his shoulder and staring daggers at Ice King and Jake, "You've won the battle... BUT NOT THE WAR!"

They poofed away in a puff of smoke, and Ice King and Jake looked over at each-other and high-hived.

* * *

Huntress Wizard laid Finn down on the grass just outside of the forest and sighed, "I'm sorry it had to be this way, Finn... you're probably fuming at me right now."

Finn smirked, "I can't stay mad at you, Hunny."

She giggled, "He he... hey, give it some time... think about... you know,_ us_, and at least give me a chance...?"

Finn smiled, "I'll think about it."

She leaned over, removing the weed from the back of his head while giving his lips a gentle kiss... before she sprung up back into the forest.

"Later, Finn!" she cried out, running back into the trees.

* * *

**Yeah, my roommate thought it would be hilarious to make Forest Wizard and the Doughnut Witch Huntress Wizard's parents. It would explain why she was just hanging outside of that magic shop, and why she's a forest person... but, I digress.**


	10. Jungle Fever

Finn woke up in the shade of a towering tree, laying atop a straw mat. He sat up, groaning, the past nights events returning to him...

Jake was still recruiting more members to the gang, and without companionship, he had gotten bored, and to relive that, he got piss-drunk and threw a boomerang shaped bottle at Princess Bubblegum through her balcony window, turning her green and bald.

She was livid, to say the least. She sent nearly every banana guard she had after him, but he managed to escape into the jungle... but in his drunken victory, he hit his head on a low-hanging tree branch, and that was the last thing he could remember.

He grunted, standing up, and he could see that he was located in some sort of court yard, their being brown, decorative walls surrounding the vicinity, with large trees poking their heads out from behind them.

Finn peaked behind the tree and saw a huge, Aztec-like temple of the same brown stone basking in the mid-day sun.

The young criminal rubbed his head, surprised to find no bumps anywhere. Even the goose-egg he had received from freeing those business demons had vanished.

"Are you surprised that you lack any injuries, young one?"

Finn turned and saw a green old man approaching. The old man had large, yellow dots spread across his body, which was clad only with a fur kilt. He leaned on a walking stick garnished with beads, intricate carvings and tipped with a human-like skull. He was bald, and a long, white beard hung from his chin.

"Yeah..." said Finn, rubbing the top of his head, "All my bumps and bruises have just vanished... who are you, and where am I?"

The old man laughed, "I am the head priest of this place; the Jungle Temple. My special medicine fixed you right up."

"Well... thanks, I guess. Did you find me out in the jungle?"

"No..." responded the priest, "that would be our princess. Come, she would like to meet you."

Finn walked behind the priest as they ascended the temple's steps, up to two guards dressed similarly to the old man, and still the same blue color, except these men were young, armed with spears, had skull masks hiding their faces, and purple hair they tied back into a pony-tail.

They were standing at either side of large, stone doors decorated with intricate carvings. The guard on the right looked over at them, "I see our guest is awake. Don't keep the princess waiting, young one."

Both of the guards hit the bottoms of their spears against the ground, and some unseen force caused the two doors to slid open, exposing a torch-lit stone-stair way.

Finn and the old man ascended those stairs as well, until they reached a large throne room. The entire room was comprised of that same brown stone, and the whole room was covered in intricate carvings. There were no walls, only large, stone pillars holding up the roof.

Seated on the throne was a green, young woman. She had green skin, puffy, purple hair topped with a small skull sporting an even smaller crown, and had gold bangles on her legs and arms, starkly contrasting her simple fur bikini.

She smiled, "I could hardly believe my luck when I found you when I was out hunting, Finn..."

Finn scoffed, "What, are you gonna turn me in and collect the reward?"

She laughed as if it was the most silly acquisition ever conceived, "Oh, no... you Finn, you're a criminal, but that does not matter to the jungle... you take what you want, and that's a good thing... a spectacular quality for an elite warrior such as yourself..."

Finn scratched his chin, "An elite warrior, eh? I've been called a great fighter, but never a warrior."

The Jungle Princess smiled at him, "Oh, Finn... yes, you're quite infamous, even out here... now, come..."

She looped her fingers through his, and they walked down another set of stairs in the back of the room, leading down into a dim hallway, which the two teens walked down. Finn, being the horny dog he was, thought for sure he was about to get laid... but his lewd fantasies about the curvy amazon were interrupted when they stepped out into a large coliseum, where the entire Jungle Tribe were siting in the stands, cheering.

Finn looked over at the smiling girl, "Uh... Jungle Princess, what is this exactly...?"

"It's your test, silly! To see if you're worthy to be my mate for life!"

Finn's eyes popped open, as the princess back-flipped back up into the stands, "RELEASE THE BEAST!" she cried.

A large grate on the opposite side of the arena opened up, and out stomped a huge, vibrant purple t-rex. Finn gulped, "DON'T I AT LEAST GET A WEAPON?!"

"Use your strength and wits, warrior!" responded Jungle Princess over the cheers of the crowd and the roaring of the dinosaur.

Finn stared intently at the tyrannosaurus, trying to predict it's next move... when it lunged out at the criminal, snapping it's huge jaws at him.

Finn gasped, flipping out of the way of it's huge maw. Finn landed on his feet, seeing the dino rush him, slobber flying from it's huge maw.

Finn jumped on top of it's head, running across it's back. The giant lizard roared and spun around after Finn had slid off it's tail, spinning around and rushing the human once again.

Finn backed up against the wall, and at the last second, Finn hopped out of the way, causing the huge reptile to crash straight into it. It roared in anger, pulling it's head out by force.

It roared in anger, and charged at Finn. Finn scoffed, running straight at the beast, before sliding under it's legs, reaching behind it. Finn then ran over to the wall where it had broken out of, picking up a large chunk of rock.

The beast roared in frustration, confused on why it couldn't catch it's prey. Finn ran at the huge lizard, heaving the stone with all his might.

The chunk of stone hit one the beast's teeth, knocking it out. Finn quickly ran up under it, grabbing the sharp tooth and running behind the creature, quickly doubling back and running up it's tail.

As the crowd went wild with loud chanting of his name, Finn jumped into the air, bringing the tooth down and stabbing the t-rex in the base of it's spinal cord, paralyzing the beast.

With a somewhat pathetic groan, it slumped over, unable to order it's body to do anything. Finn took this opportunity to pull the tooth back out, then jump down to the dinosaur's soft underbelly, where he plunged it in, disemboweling the beast with it's own tooth.

The crowd chanted it's name even louder, and Jungle Princess jumped down into the arena, running up to Finn with his crimson-sword in hand. After handing it over, she embraced the bloody human, "Oh, Finn! I know for sure that you're my mate now! Our child will be the greatest warrior to ever walk the land!"

Finn pushed her away, causing literally the entire Jungle Tribe in the stands, and the princess, to gasp.

"Look," said Finn, "I'm not spending my whole life with one woman, especially not some crazy whore who just sicks dinosaurs on people!"

She shook with rage. Finn took a step back, seeing many threatening looking Jungle Tribesmen jump down into the arena with them, slowly approaching the crook.

Finn gave a sheepish chuckle, "And... that's my cue to high-tail it outa here... later!"

With that, Finn punched an approaching warrior in the face, breaking his skull mask and knocking him out. Finn grabbed his spear drew his father's demon-blood sword, running through the crowd while swinging it from side-to-side, chopping anyone in his way down.

When he reached an appropriate distance, the young human planted the spear in the ground, using it to vault over the arena walls and into the stands.

Dodging the spears being thrown at his heels, he rushed up the stairs, and before jumping out of the arena, screamed, "See ya later, fuckers!"

He then jumped down into the forest, dashing through the thick leaves on his way back home.

* * *

Finn walked back home, covered in scratches, dirt, and wearing torn up clothes. His brother, who was sitting on the couch, looked back at him, "Yo, Finn! I got the old gang back togh- what the heck happened to you...?"

Finn sighed, "Long story... I'll tell ya in the morning... just, watch out for any Jungle Tribesman..."

Finn walked into his room, and Jake shrugged his shoulders, returning to his regular programing on the T.V., blissfully unaware of the invisible Vampire Queen watching them from the corner of the room...


End file.
